Netflix Streaming Review - Primer

The most time-travely movie in the history of time-travely movies

"You're going to love these chicks dude.  Just seriously, don't drop the nitrate."

Remember that part in Looper when JGL and Bruce Willy meet up for the first time and JGL's all like, "Yo, so what's the deal with time travel, bro?  Like, ain't there paradoxes and sh*t?"  And then Bruce Willy's smacks him and is like, "Hey dummy, do you have any damn clue how long it would take us to spend discussing the implications of time travel??  Now get outta here, I got some toddlers to pop."  I really liked that exchange because it was pretty much Rian Johnson winking at the audience and saying, "Hey, listen, we know a bunch of this time travel sh*t probably won't make sense.  We know.  But that's not really the point of the movie."  Well, that nonsensical conversation that Willis alludes to?  Yeah, Primer is pretty much that movie.

Review: Pain & Gain - The Cinematic Equivalent of that Chaotic Trip to Vegas You Take to Vegas Every Now and Then so You Don't Kill Everyone You Know

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?  Because guess what b*tch, IT'S A MOTHERF*CKING HAND!!!

Listen, I'm not going to sit here and attempt to pose some bullsh*t pseudo-intellectual argument about why I enjoyed the ever-loving sh*t out of Pain & Gain *licks lips, leans in before speaking to Charlie Rose* "Well, you see Charlie, Pain & Gain isn't so much a film about the decay of the American Dream as it is a treatise on the post-modern degradation of moral objectivism and what it truly means to be... well, not just American.  But what it means to be... human."  Oh go f*ck yourself *sshole with the Oliver Peoples glasses and Paul Stuart tweed jacket that I just made up in my head.  Your useless ivory tower posits infuriate me to no end.

Review - The Place Beyond the Pines

This is purely anecdotal speculation, but I think there is a subconscious tendency for many young indie filmmakers to confuse despair with profundity.  That, in other words, if one presents a story seemingly rooted in moral ambiguity, anxious turmoil and conflicted and complex interpersonal relationships, that you have inherently presented the audience with complex theater.  The notion of exploring deep thematic insights is inherent to the DNA of serious drama, so, as such, if we witness serious drama, we as an audience feel obligated to attempt to parse through the presented themes and extract whatever meaning we can from the narrative.  Even if nothing’s there to extract.  In other words, it’s ambiguity disguised as art.  And of course, it’s bullsh*t.

Opening this Weekend - Morgan Freeman Wears Stupid Looking Sunglasses Underground For Some Reason

When will Tom Cruise win an Oscar for best runner?  He's just so damn good at it.

Opening - Oblivion

Googan Suggestion - Slim pickings this week dweebs.  But see Oblivion.  Tom Cruise demands validation.

Netflix Streaming Review - House of Cards

"Y'know, maybe that whole "Gwnyeth-Paltrow-head-in-a-box-thing" WAS a bit over the top..."

While watching the season finale of House of Cards last week, Kevin Spacey's Frank Underwood uttered a line that I felt encapsulated the philosophy of the show oh so perfectly.  Underwood is speaking to us, the viewers (one of the highlights of the show is Spacey's constant breaking of the fourth wall to fill us in on his mindset and strategic decisions), while seemingly alone in the church frequented by the high and mighty of Capitol Hill.  Frank has just engaged and gone through with a series of, well, let's just say slightly nefarious maneuvers in order to promote his own political standing, and seems to be reflecting, or at the very minimum, engaging in what he would consider the portrayal of reflection.  He goes on a near rant that I won't spoil, but essentially concludes with the line, "I pray to myself, for myself."  I ate it up.

Opening this Weekend (4/12 - 4/14)

I think a Jackie Robinson/Indiana Jones super hero team would be swell

Opening - 42, Scary Movie 5, To the Wonder (limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - I'm still trying to get out and see The Place Beyond the Pines, but that's proving difficult with The Masters and some solid NBA match ups on Sunday.  And as usual, Game of Thrones and Mad Men.

Song of the Week - "Blue Drag" by Allen Toussaint

In honor of the fantastic Mad Men returning this evening, here's a little something something to get you in that quintessential 60's scotch-swilling, suit-rocking, booty-slapping mood.  Allen Toussaint's cover of Django Reinhardt's Blue Drag really captures that era of cool.  This should pretty much play any time Don and Roger walk into a room.

Opening this Weekend (4/5 - 4/7)

Yeah, I pretty much had the same exact reaction to the Kevin Ware injury

Opening - Evil Dead, Trance (limited release), Upstream Color (limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - I will be enjoying the ultimate white people problem of deciding whether to watch Game of Thrones or Mad Men first.  Oh the trials and tribulations of privileged adulthood. *sips overpriced microbrew*

Opening this Weekend (3/29 - 3/31)

Silly goose, take your blindfold off!

Opening - G.I. Joe: Retaliation, The Host, Tyler Perry's Temptation, The Place Beyond the Pines (limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - College basketball or GTFO.  But also, The Place Beyond the Pines, my third most anticipated movie of the year.  See Baby Goose in all his sultry glory before he fades into a retirement filled with puppies, goose feather pillows and warm mochaccinos.

Song of the Week - "Beast" by Nico Vega (Acoustic Version)

I want to put this segment up every Friday afternoon/evening, hopefully to coincide with a show or movie coming out that weekend.  Or maybe just because I think the song is badass and you'd be culturally enhanced by listening to it.  Whatever.

I'm going to open with Nico Vega's acoustic version Beast that I heard over the weekend.  You've probably heard the original on the Bioshock: Infinite commercial (which is pretty kickass in its own right), but I think this version takes the cake.  Can't you just hear this rippling through your speakers during an epic final scene of an episode of Breaking Bad? 

Opening this Weekend (3/22 - 3/24)

The haggard results of one of history's greatest handsome-offs

Opening – Olympus Has Fallen, The Croods, Admission

Googan suggestion for the week – Well, considering this segment is three days late, I hope you enjoyed your weekend with offensive amounts of college hoops like I did.  The worst part though?  Watching those same eight horrifically annoying commercials over and over and over… “How was work?”  "One more day closer to retirement.” “And when’s that going to be?” “I don’t know… never?”  OH F*CK YOU YOU OLD *SSHOLES!!!  IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAD KIDS AND DIDN’T FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND ARE NOW SLAVING AWAY IN SOME CORPORATE PURGATORY WHILE YOUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL FACULTIES DETERIORATE AT THE PACE OF A DYING STAR!!!  NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY TV AND LET ME RELISH GEORGETOWN’S EMBARRASSMENT IN ALL OF ITS MAGNIFICENT GLORY!!!

Netflix Streaming Review - Sleepless Night ("Nuit blanche")

They may be stuck in their ways, but never say the French don't know how to charm the hell out of their women...

I have a feeling this may be a pretty short review (and that has NOTHING to do with the fact that it's day one of the NCAA Tournament and I just got out of work and I'm drinking a tall boy and what the hell were we talking about again?)  But I say that because... well, there isn't a ton to say about Sleepless Night.  It's easily one of the most straight-forward movies I've ever seen.  That isn't a knock against the film by any stretch.  I mean what they set out to do they execute very well.  And as someone who finds great beauty in the pure and simplistic, I very, very much appreciate this approach.  But simplicity for the sake of simplicity without reflecting much more than that is... well, it's a bit bland.

Mad Men Season 6 Posters/Stills Revealed. LET'S SPECULATE!!!

So... Does double the Drapin' mean double the finger rapin'?

As seen above, Mad Men released their Season 6 poster and bunch of stills, and like any Matt Weiner project, their cloaked in ambiguity and symbolic hints.  Shall we?

Opening this Weekend (3/15 -3/17)

"I'm relevant again?!?  God damn it, please tell me I'm relevant again!!"

Opening - The Call, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, Spring Breakers (in limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - It's St.  Patrick's Day.  I will be consuming copious amounts of whiskey and beer, watching The Departed and Gangs of New York on repeat, and screaming racial slurs at every single person I see after two o'clock.  I mean, that's what the Irish are known for doing, right?

Episode Recap - The Walking Dead: "Arrow on the Doorpost"

"You go 'head bro."  "Umm, after you bro." Yeah, I think that was an actual quote

A brotastic recap of last night’s big ol’ dick measurin’ The Walking Dead - "Arrow on the Doorpost".  Check it out.

Opening this Weekend (3/8 - 3/10)

"Franco and his witches.  Y'know, like bitches?  Anyone?" *taps mic*  "Is this thing on?"

Opening - Oz the Great and Powerful, Dead Man Down

Googan suggestion for the weekend - Well, I'm going to my parents' place this weekend so my Mom's probably going to drag me to Oz... so yeah, you should be a good son (or daughter if that's your fancy) like me and take your Mom to a movie.  Boom.

Trailer Breakdown - Iron Man 3

Future Don Draper observes future Roger Sterling prepare him a future Old Fashioned

New Iron Man 3 trailer's all up in this place, ya'll.  Let's go break it down like a Run DMC house party.

Episode Recap - The Walking Dead: Clear

And that's why you never play "Never Have I Ever" with your son

I'm going to let Dustin Rowles over at Warming Glow take the stage as he has a very good recap of last Sunday's tense, ponderous and downright impressive episode of The Walking Dead.  As a sucker for meticulously-paced, minimalist-style productions with a dash of dark humor (see Breaking Bad, No Country For Old Men, Backdoor Sluts 7), this episode was right up my alley.  But with that being said, I think it's ultimately a testament of how much better this show could be.  Season 2 was way too heavy on supposed character development while completely lacking a progressive story and action, whereas Season 3 has had the opposite problem.  The two don't need to be mutually exclusive.  This episode did a fantastic job illustrating that. 

Netflix Streaming Review - Headhunters

Ahh, reminds me of my own fraternity days... *lights pipe, puffs, whimsically strokes the head of stuffed pledge*

So imagine you and your significant other decide to go out for a fancy dinner.  You agree to patronize an establishment that’s somewhat off the beaten path that serves a cuisine you’re not entirely familiar with, but one in which you’ve read some favorable reviews of online and hey, you’re an adventurous couple, why the hell not?  You arrive to find a warm, comfortable ambience and friendly wait staff.  Your appetizer soon arrives and you find it delightfully inviting, only further whetting your appetite for the entrée.  And what an entrée it is.  Perfectly cooked, beautifully presented and utterly satisfying, you feel like you’ve consumed one the best meals you’ve had in months.  But then the dessert is wheeled out.  And.  It.  Sucks.  Like, f*cking putrid.  Generic, tasteless and completely lacking any relation to the previous two dishes, the final portion of the meal ruins your experience.  You walk out disappointed and finally determine you really need to stop approaching your meals like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.

Opening this Weekend (3/1 - 3/3)

Dude, your Mom's in this?

Opening - 21 and Over, Jack the Giant Slayer, Phantom, The Last Excorcism Part II, Stoker (in limited release)

Googan Suggestion for the Weekend - It's March man, go outside to a beer garden or something.  Movie-wise, perhaps check out Stoker if you're lucky enough to live in a city of affluence and relevance like I do *twirls pocket-watch, drops nickel into homeless man's coffee*