Sunday, January 6, 2013

Top Twelve Most Anticipated Movies of 2013

"They're talking about how sh*tty Gatsby looks, I know they are..."
Without further ado (because I know so many of you were dying to know), here are my top twelve most anticipated movies for 2013 (what's that, why twelve and not ten?  Because I initially had eleven, then realized I forgot one.  So now it's twelve).

No. 12 - The Wolf of Wall Street
"No no no, the garage will never hold that many dead hookers..."
Release Date - TBD

Director - Martin Scorcese

Cast - Leonardo DiCaprio, Matthew McConaughey, Jonah Hill, lots of other famous people

IMDB Synopsis - "A New York stockbroker refuses to cooperate in a large securities fraud case involving corruption on Wall Street, the corporate banking world and mob infiltration."

Thoughts - Yeah, I don't know, when I first heard about this I was pretty stoked for it.  That initial enthusiasm has worn off for some reason.  I just feel like I've seen this type of movie a hundred times.  Pretty much Boiler Room with a more well-known cast, top-notch director and bigger budget.

But what the hell do I know, I'm sure it'll be awesome.  One thing is for sure though.  Leo is going to absolutely kill as Jordan Belfort.

No. 11 - Twelve Years a Slave

That kid's jacket is nicer than anything I own
Release Date - TBD

Director - Steve McQueen

Cast - Chiwetel Ejiofor, Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Benedict Cumberbatch, Michael K. Williams... Yeah, I'm going to stop there.  I can't afford to ruin another pair of pants.

IMDB Synopsis - "A man living in New York during the mid-1800s is kidnapped and sold into slavery in the deep south." (So... the prequel to Django?  Because that would be pretty badass -ed.)"

Thoughts - I haven't caught any of McQueen's previous stuff, but given the subject matter of his first three films involve slavery, starvation and huge dongs, I can't imagine I won't be incredibly enthralled by his work.  But this cast is amazing and the subject matter sounds super compelling, so yeah, expect to hear a lot about this one come next January.

No. 10 - Gravity
Clooney's post space-fart face
Release Date - October 18, 2013

Director - Alfonso Cuaron

Cast - Sandra Bullock, George Clooney and space.  Lots and lots of space.

IMDB Synopsis - "Astronauts attempt to return to earth after debris crashes into their space shuttle, leaving them drifting alone in space." (Ugh, I HATE when that happens. -ed.)

Thoughts - Children of Men was amazing, but beyond that I'm not too familiar with Cuaron's work.  But my sources tell me that the special effects for Gravity are all like WOAH and that James Cameron's been pimpin' this b*tch like a mofo.  And y'all know if James Cameron's pimpin' yo' sh*t, well, then... you get paid.  A lot.

No. 9 - The Wolverine
Bro, do you even lift?
Release Date - July 26, 2013

Director - James Mangold

Cast - Huge Jackson (I'm sorry) and a sh*t ton of Japanese people

IMDB Synopsis - "Wolverine travels to Japan to train with a samurai warrior." (awesome, thanks for showing up, guy -ed.)

Thoughts - Okay, so if you were to walk up to me and be like, "Hey Old Bill, there's another Wolverine movie coming out this year.  Are you going to see it?" I'd kick you in the nuts and throw your inhaler down a drain pipe.  But then, if right before you passed out you weezed, "But it's directed by James Mangold, written by Christopher McQuarrie and takes place in Japan with the main setting and themes being heavily influenced by samurai culture," I'd be all, "Oh.  Sh*t.  Sorry dude."

I think this could end up being pretty badass.  Though I think comic books for the most part are idiotic schlock written for insecure nerds, I am a sucker for "dark, gritty" adaptations in which decent characters are explored.  And Wolverine is a pretty decent character.

Plus samurais f*cking rule.

No. 8 - Pain & Gain
Mahky Mahk just bein' Mahky Mahk
Release Date - April 26, 2013

Director - Michael Bay, duh.

Cast - Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Anthony Mackie

IMDB Synopsis - "A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion ring and a kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong."

Thoughts - Read that synopsis again.  Do it.  JUST DO IT.  God that's amazing.  Then throw in Michael Bay, Mahky Mahk, and The Motherf*cking Rock.  I mean, come on dude.  This is too good to be true.

Gotta get that pump, baby.  Gotta get that pump.

No. 7 - Man of Steel
Just a typical Tuesday for Russell
Release Date - June 14, 2013

Director - Zack Snyder

Cast - Henry Cavill, Michael Shannon, Amy Adams, Kevin Costner, Diane Lane, Russell Crowe

Synopsis - "An alien infant is raised on Earth, and grows up with superhuman abilities. He sets out to use these abilities to guard his adopted world."

Thoughts - With The Wolverine and this coming out within six weeks of each other I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to handle all the brooding, soul-searching super heroes.  Grr, we grow thick beards to illustrate how serious and reflective we are at this point in the film.

I think The Wolverine has a slightly better shot of being good than this does.  Why?  Mangold/McQuarrie vs Snyder/Goyer.  So then why is Man of Steel higher on my anticipation list?  Because it's not so much the movie I'm looking forward to, but the reaction.  This is either going to be an ethreal clusterf*ck on the scale of a real life Cloverfield or a mega super success resulting in fanboys ruining their Hanes all over the world.

Also, don't discount the Nolan factor.  He's got his greasy little British paws are all over this, I can just smell it.

No. 6 - This is the End
Oh Danny McBride, you complete me
Release Date - June 14, 2013 (Competing with Man of Steel?  Dumb.)

Director - Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen

Cast - Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, James Franco, Craig Robinson, Jonah, Jay Baruchel and probably about ninety bajillion cameos

Synopsis - "While attending a party at James Franco's house, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel and many other celebrities are faced with the apocalypse."

Thoughts - Not much to say here.  Few people make me laugh as hard as these dudes, so to have them all together so they can pretty much rag on each other (at least that's what I'm hoping for) is going to be pertty, pertty awesome.

Check out the trailer.

"You're telling me James Franco didn't suck no dick last night?  Now I KNOW y'all are trippin'."

God damn, gets me every time.

No. 5 - Elysium
Twenty bucks he lives in Williamsburg
Release Date - August 9, 2013

Director - Neill Blomkamp

Cast - Matt Damn, Jodie Foster, Sharlto Copley

IMDB Synopsis - "Set in the year 2159, where the very wealthy live on a man-made space station while the rest of the population resides on a ruined Earth, a man takes on a mission that could bring equality to the polarized worlds."

Thoughts - A'ight y'all, now were gettin' into the real shiznit.  If you haven't seen District 9, I strongly, strongly urge you to check it out.  I remember seeing it with my brothers in theaters and at one point turning to them and saying something to the effect of, "This movie has no right to be as good as it is."  Yeah, there's definitely going to be some sort of political/philosophical message behind the whole thing, but whatever, that's fine as long as it isn't too soap boxy (*cough, Promised Land, cough*).

And dude, just look at Copley in that picture.  Guy looks f*cking mean.

No. 4 - Star Trek Into Darkness
Space Rule #1 - Always tuck pants into boots
Release Date - May 17, 2013

Director - J.J. Abrams

Cast - Chris Pine, Benedict Cumberbatch, Zachary Quinto, a bunch of other people better looking than you.

IMDB Synopsis - "After the crew of the Enterprise find an unstoppable force of terror from within their own organization, Captain Kirk leads a manhunt to a war-zone world to capture a one man weapon of mass destruction."

Thoughts - God that's a painfully vague synopsis.  Whatever, I'm still going to see the sh*t out of this.  I still can't believe how much I enjoyed the first one.  That movie, plain and simple, was fun.  So how do you improve on "fun".  Only one way.  Enter...
Every since I started watching Sherlock I've been dying for this guy to get a shot as a straight up villain.  Sounds like he's finally got one.  Should be fantastic.

No. 3 - The Place Beyond the Pines
Hey ladies, stare into Gosling's eyes too long and, well, this is what happens
Release Date - March 29, 2013 (limited)

Director - Derek Cianfrance

Cast - Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Rose Byrne, Eva Mendes, Ray Liotta, Ben Menelsohn

IMDB Synopsis - "A motorcycle stunt rider considers committing a crime in order to provide for his wife and child, an act that puts him on a collision course with a cop-turned-politician."

Thoughts - I haven't seen Blue Valentine (Update - I have.  I liked it), the trailer is vague, but it sort of, kind of (maybe?) resembles Drive and anything that sort of, even slightly, reminds me of Drive makes my wiener twitch.  At the end of the day though I'm expecting a super serious character study (so no, nothing like Drive).  But just look at him feeding that baby.  That combination of badassness/adorableness shouldn't be possible in the known space-time continuum.

No. 2 - The Counselor
Ya think Brad Pitt ate this role up?
Release Date - November 15, 2013

Director - Ridley Scott

Cast - Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz

IMDB Synopsis - "A lawyer finds himself in over his head when he gets involved in drug trafficking."

Thoughts - Awesome to see Bardem and Cormac McCarthy hooking up again.  This has to be one of the best male casts I've ever seen.  Throw in Ridley Scott and the first original screenplay by the aforementioned McCarthy and, well yeah, you have my money.

No. 1 - Only God Forgives
Release Date - TBD

Director - Nicholas Winding Refn

Cast - Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas, Tom Burke

IMDB Synopsis - "A Bangkok police lieutenant and a gangster settle their differences in a Thai-boxing match."


Some people say the 1992 Dream Team was the greatest squad ever assembled.  I will humbly accept the challenge and raise you with Gosling/Refn.  What those two achieved with Drive was a goddamn monumental achievement.  I am quite confident this will only be more of the same.

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