Opening this Weekend

Hey dipshit, I WILL go Daniel fackin' Plainview on your ass

Opening - Promised Land, Texas Chainsaw 3D

Promised Land

Naw, but seriously hon, how about dem apples?  Ya want one?

IMDB Synopsis - "A salesman for a natural gas company experiences life-changing events after arriving in a small town, where his corporation wants to tap into the available resources."

Thoughts - Grrr, moral grandstanding and oversimplifying polarizing policy issues!  Woof, I'll pass on this like I would free massage from Jerry Sandusky *ba dum cha!*  Though that Matt Damon remains one of the dreamiest of the dreamboats.  And I think I know a little something about dreamboats...

*stares longingly at fourteen Gosling posters in tiny bedroom*

Texas Chainsaw 3D

DURR, IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS!

IMDB Synopsis - "A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward."

Thoughts - Wow, and you thought you had shit parents.  "Yeah, my Dad left me like five million dollars when he died, but I need to get raped by a chainsaw in order to claim it.  I know, right?  Well, whatever, I f*cked Black Steve from the Sigma Chi house last week so I can't imagine it'll be that bad..."  But seriously, it will never cease to amaze me how a studio can just sh*t out the same trash, year after year in a slightly different color, and every single slack-jawed, mouth-breathing yokel out there will drag their half-pregnant, chain-smoking cousins to it as if the theater is handing out free abortions.  'Merica, wooh wooh!

So yeah, go like plant a tree or something this weekend.