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Let's get weird! Let's weird! Man, there's nothing like blogging out by predicting the Oscar winners. I mean, just so f*cking fetch. Where to even start? What's that? Best Picture? Yeah, okay, I guess that's pretty obvious. What? No! Not true! Shut up, bro! No, you're an idiot! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Well, umm, that's not what your Mom said last night!
Jesus, I seriously need to get more friends.
Best Picture:
“Beasts of the
Southern Wild”
“Silver Linings
Playbook”
“Zero Dark Thirty” – Should
win
“Lincoln” – Will win
“Les Miserables”
“Life of Pi”
“Amour”
“Django Unchained”
“Argo”
Analysis – I think
they play it safe with Spielberg here.
Beasts no one saw, Silver Linings has the comedy tag (though it’s a
great dark horse), Zero Dark is too controversial, Les Mis has zero momentum, Pi
is just sort of there, Amour is foreign, Django is Tarantino, and Argo… well,
Argo probably has a pretty good shot.
Lincoln, Argo, Silver Linings in that order. Sorry Zero Dark, I still got your back.
Best Supporting
Actor:
Christoph Waltz,
“Django Unchained” - Will and should win
Philip Seymour
Hoffman, “The Master”
Robert De Niro,
“Silver Linings Playbook”
Alan Arkin, “Argo”
Tommy Lee Jones,
“Lincoln”
Analysis – Arkin was
bit player, Tommy Lee Jones was too Tommy Lee Jones, De Niro should never be
given another award given all the shit he’s made in the past ten years and
Hoffman… well, Hoffman was pretty good.
But it’s a weak field this year, so I gots to go with Waltz
Best Supporting
Actress:
Sally Field,
“Lincoln”
Anne Hathaway, “Les
Miserables” – Will and should win
Jacki Weaver, “Silver
Linings Playbook”
Helen Hunt, “The
Sessions”
Amy Adams, “The Master”
She sings and acts
and her character dies tragically. What
else do you need?
Best Director:
David O. Russell,
“Silver Linings Playbook” – Should win.
Ang Lee, “Life of Pi”
Steven Spielberg,
“Lincoln” – Will win.
Michael Haneke,
“Amour”
Benh Zeitlin, “Beasts
of the Southern Wild”
Bizarre field. No one’s seen two of these movies and I have
idea how you don’t have Tarantino, Bigelow and Affleck up there. Best Director and Best Picture go together
like two buttons on a blazer (#Greenwich, #country club, #laxxx), so I got to
go safe with Stevie Speils.
Best Actor:
Daniel Day Lewis,
“Lincoln” – Will and should win
Denzel Washington,
“Flight”
Hugh Jackman, “Les
Miserables”
Bradley Cooper,
“Silver Linings Playbook”
Joaquin Phoenix, “The
Master”
Analysis - Phoenix
was f*cking fantastic, but yeah, it’s DDL.
Ball don’t lie.
Best Actress:
Naomi Watts, “The
Impossible”
Jessica Chastain,
“Zero Dark Thirty”
Jennifer Lawrence,
“Silver Linings Playbook” – Should and will win
Emmanuelle Riva,
“Amour”
Quvenzhané Wallis,
“Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Analysis – I’m a bit
torn here. I loved Chastain in ZD30, but
I also happen to have a super duper crush on Jennifer Lawrence. Lawrence seems to have the momentum though. And think Chastain is getting some unfair
criticism about her role; “NEEDS MORE EMOTION!”, “NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!”, “EAT
A SANDWICH!” Ugh, do the whole world a
favor and fall into a lion cage.
Best Original
Screenplay:
“Zero Dark Thirty”
“Django Unchained” –
Will and should win.
“Moonrise Kingdom”
“Amour”
“Flight”
Analysis – Not many
people write scripts like Tarantino does.
And the best thing about his movies is consistently the script.
Best Adapted
Screenplay:
“Lincoln” – Can and
should win.
“Silver Linings
Playbook”
“Argo”
“Life of Pi”
“Beasts of the
Southern Wild”
Analysis – Old-timey
southern insults are the best kind of insults.
Especially when they emanate from the mouth of Tommy Lee Jones.
Best Animated
Feature:
“Frankenweenie”
“The Pirates! Band of
Misfits”
“Wreck-It Ralph” –
Should win
“Paranorman”
“Brave” – Will win
Analysis – Don’t. Care.
Best Foreign
Feature:
“Amour” – Will and
should win.
“A Royal Affair”
“Kon-Tiki”
“No”
“War Witch”
Analysis –
Amour? More like Awin, amiright?? No, no, it’s fine, I’ll let myself out.
Best Visual
Effects:
“Life of Pi” – Will win
“The Hobbit: An
Unexpected Journey”
“The Avengers”
“Prometheus” – Should
win
“Snow White and the
Huntsman”
Analysis – I never
saw Life of Pi, but from what everyone is saying the visual effects and
cinematography were gorgeous. But if
Prometheus had anything going for it, was this sort of stuff. Well, that and Robot Fassbender.
Best
Cinematography:
“Skyfall”
“Anna Karenina”
“Django Unchained”
“Life of Pi” – Will and
should win
“Lincoln”
Analysis – See above.
Best Costume
Design:
“Anna Karenina”
“Les Miserables” –
Will and should win
“Lincoln”
“Mirror Mirror”
“Snow White and the
Huntsman”
Thoughts – Two of these
movies are stupid adaptations of the same stupid fairy tale and one’s a movie
no one saw except critics and Russian Lit majors. So Lincoln or Les Mis? Well, a musical is nothing without grandiose
costumes, so I’m going to have to go with those guys.
Best Documentary
Feature:
“Searching for Sugar
Man” – Will and should win.
“How to Survive a
Plague”
“The Gatekeepers”
“5 Broken Cameras”
“The Invisible War”
Analysis – I heard it
was really good (can’t you tell how legit my opinions and analysis are?)
Best Documentary
Short:
“Open Heart”
“Inocente”
“Redemption”
“Kings Point”
“Mondays at Racine” –
Will and should win
Thoughts – Alright,
now I’m really out of my element. Now which
sounds the most Oscary… hmm… okay, Mondays
at Racine, I guess. I have no idea what
that means, so it must be good.
Best Film Editing:
“Lincoln”
“Silver Linings
Playbook”
“Life of Pi”
“Argo” – Will and
should win
“Zero Dark Thirty”
Analysis – Everyone seems
to say the same exact thing about Argo: “It
was just a really well-executed movie.”
Well folks, to me that translates to great editing.
Best Makeup and
Hairstyling:
“Hitchcock”
“The Hobbit: An
Unexpected Journey”
“Les Miserables” –
Will and should.
Analysis – “Game. Blouses.”
Best Music
(Original Score):
“Anna Karenina”
“Argo”
“Life of Pi” – Will and
should win.
“Lincoln”
“Skyfall”
Analysis – No Zero
Dark? Weak. That score was the tits. And if this goes to John Williams again I’m
going to punch a koala right in it’s stupid head.
Best Music
(Original Song):
“Before My Time” from
“Chasing Ice”
“Everybody Needs A
Best Friend” from “Ted”
“Pi’s Lullaby” from
“Life of Pi” – Will and should win.
“Skyfall” from
“Skyfall”
“Suddenly” from “Les
Misérables”
Analysis – Who doesn’t
like lullabies? Samoans. That’s who. #themoreyouknow
Best Production
Design:
“Anna Karenina”
“The Hobbit: An
Unexpected Journey”
“Les Misérables” –
Will and should win
“Life of Pi”
“Lincoln”
Analysis – Remember what
I said about costume design? Same dizzy
deal here.
Best Short Film,
Animated:
“Adam and Dog”
“Fresh Guacamole” –
Will and should win.
“Head over Heels”
“Maggie Simpson in
‘The Longest Daycare’”
“Paperman”
Analysis – My friend The
Good Doctor once stole an avocado from an old man and ate it, skin and all,
right in front of him. I have never
looked at guacamole the same since.
Best Short Film,
Live Action:
“Asad”
“Buzkashi Boys”
“Curfew”
“Death of a Shadow
(Dood van een Schaduw)” – Will and should win.
“Henry”
Analysis – What is
this, the most boring title category?? (*high-fives
bro, shotguns pledge*)
Best Sound
Editing:
“Argo”
“Django Unchained”
“Life of Pi”
“Skyfall”
“Zero Dark Thirty” –
Will and should win.
Analysis – I mean,
come on. The raid scene? Duuuuuude.
That was some real balls to the wall sh*t right there.
Best Sound Mixing:
“Argo”
“Les Misérables” –
Will and should win
“Life of Pi”
“Lincoln”
“Skyfall”
Thoughts – What the
hell is the difference between this and Sound Editing? I mean, I don’t know, Les Mis was all singing
so… there was consequently a lot of… mixing… I guess, maybe? Yeah, f*ck it, whatever.
God that was
exhausting. To the beer fridge!
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