Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Review: Pain & Gain - The Cinematic Equivalent of that Chaotic Trip to Vegas You Take to Vegas Every Now and Then so You Don't Kill Everyone You Know

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?  Because guess what b*tch, IT'S A MOTHERF*CKING HAND!!!
Listen, I'm not going to sit here and attempt to pose some bullsh*t pseudo-intellectual argument about why I enjoyed the ever-loving sh*t out of Pain & Gain *licks lips, leans in before speaking to Charlie Rose* "Well, you see Charlie, Pain & Gain isn't so much a film about the decay of the American Dream as it is a treatise on the post-modern degradation of moral objectivism and what it truly means to be... well, not just American.  But what it means to be... human."  Oh go f*ck yourself *sshole with the Oliver Peoples glasses and Paul Stuart tweed jacket that I just made up in my head.  Your useless ivory tower posits infuriate me to no end.

Like the title of this review suggests, Pain & Gain is that idiotic trip to Vegas you take with your college buddies every five or six years to get off-the-wagon-kinda-out-of-control.  Or, for you poorer types, it's that random pitstop you make at 2:30 on a Saturday afternoon at Five Guys to stuff your stupid fat face with gargantuan loads of saturated fat (also the name of your mom's favorite porno. HI-O!!!)  Yes.  It is shallow, it is dumb, and if you wanted to tell me it is not only utterly worthless, but a net negative on society as a whole, hey, I really wouldn't argue with you.  But what I would say is that some of us really f*cking need that awful shallowness every now and then.  It's the epitome of escapism, and, to a further extent, a facet of what makes us human (being serious now).  Because sometimes it's the embracing of our imperfections that makes us most relatable to our fellow man (*takes massive bong load, nods knowingly at the ghost of Mr. Rogers).

I'm probably oversimplifying things here, but I sort of believe you can break action movies up into three distinct categories:  Smart and endearing (Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Terminator 2, Aliens), dumb and endearing (Predator, Cobra, Taken, The Fast & the Furious (f*ck you, I like those movies), and just dumb (Battleship.  Granted, I never saw Battleship,  but I also don't eat applesauce for three meals a day).  Pain & Gain falls squarely in camp two, in my humble opinion.  Because notice the key word:  Endearing.  Maybe it's just me and my overzealous man-love for Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson, but Pain & Gain was designed for scenes to be chewed.  Wahlberg, Johnson and Anthony Mackie do so with not only seemingly zero effort, but actually with pure unadulterated enthusiasm.  And Michael Bay, for all of his over the top idiotic faults, is the perfect architect for these guys to go to work.

Now I'm well aware that my above rationale isn't really an excuse for determining whether a movie is good or not.  And I'm not trying to say that it is.  But what I am saying is Pain & Gain is essentially idiotic testerone-driven porn that makes some of us (MALES!) indulge in the immaturity of our moronic one-time thirteen year old selves.

I mean come on.  Why be a tool and hate on that? 

Grade - B+

Note - I saw Pain & Gain while quite intoxicated with a bunch of my good buddies in a very raucous theater.  I heavily recommend this viewing experience and fully admit that these conditions may have possibly had an effect on my overall enjoyment of the film.

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