Netflix Streaming Review - Primer

The most time-travely movie in the history of time-travely movies

"You're going to love these chicks dude.  Just seriously, don't drop the nitrate."

Remember that part in Looper when JGL and Bruce Willy meet up for the first time and JGL's all like, "Yo, so what's the deal with time travel, bro?  Like, ain't there paradoxes and sh*t?"  And then Bruce Willy's smacks him and is like, "Hey dummy, do you have any damn clue how long it would take us to spend discussing the implications of time travel??  Now get outta here, I got some toddlers to pop."  I really liked that exchange because it was pretty much Rian Johnson winking at the audience and saying, "Hey, listen, we know a bunch of this time travel sh*t probably won't make sense.  We know.  But that's not really the point of the movie."  Well, that nonsensical conversation that Willis alludes to?  Yeah, Primer is pretty much that movie.

Review: Pain & Gain - The Cinematic Equivalent of that Chaotic Trip to Vegas You Take to Vegas Every Now and Then so You Don't Kill Everyone You Know

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?  Because guess what b*tch, IT'S A MOTHERF*CKING HAND!!!

Listen, I'm not going to sit here and attempt to pose some bullsh*t pseudo-intellectual argument about why I enjoyed the ever-loving sh*t out of Pain & Gain *licks lips, leans in before speaking to Charlie Rose* "Well, you see Charlie, Pain & Gain isn't so much a film about the decay of the American Dream as it is a treatise on the post-modern degradation of moral objectivism and what it truly means to be... well, not just American.  But what it means to be... human."  Oh go f*ck yourself *sshole with the Oliver Peoples glasses and Paul Stuart tweed jacket that I just made up in my head.  Your useless ivory tower posits infuriate me to no end.

Review - The Place Beyond the Pines

This is purely anecdotal speculation, but I think there is a subconscious tendency for many young indie filmmakers to confuse despair with profundity.  That, in other words, if one presents a story seemingly rooted in moral ambiguity, anxious turmoil and conflicted and complex interpersonal relationships, that you have inherently presented the audience with complex theater.  The notion of exploring deep thematic insights is inherent to the DNA of serious drama, so, as such, if we witness serious drama, we as an audience feel obligated to attempt to parse through the presented themes and extract whatever meaning we can from the narrative.  Even if nothing’s there to extract.  In other words, it’s ambiguity disguised as art.  And of course, it’s bullsh*t.

Opening this Weekend - Morgan Freeman Wears Stupid Looking Sunglasses Underground For Some Reason

When will Tom Cruise win an Oscar for best runner?  He's just so damn good at it.

Opening - Oblivion

Googan Suggestion - Slim pickings this week dweebs.  But see Oblivion.  Tom Cruise demands validation.

Netflix Streaming Review - House of Cards

"Y'know, maybe that whole "Gwnyeth-Paltrow-head-in-a-box-thing" WAS a bit over the top..."

While watching the season finale of House of Cards last week, Kevin Spacey's Frank Underwood uttered a line that I felt encapsulated the philosophy of the show oh so perfectly.  Underwood is speaking to us, the viewers (one of the highlights of the show is Spacey's constant breaking of the fourth wall to fill us in on his mindset and strategic decisions), while seemingly alone in the church frequented by the high and mighty of Capitol Hill.  Frank has just engaged and gone through with a series of, well, let's just say slightly nefarious maneuvers in order to promote his own political standing, and seems to be reflecting, or at the very minimum, engaging in what he would consider the portrayal of reflection.  He goes on a near rant that I won't spoil, but essentially concludes with the line, "I pray to myself, for myself."  I ate it up.

Opening this Weekend (4/12 - 4/14)

I think a Jackie Robinson/Indiana Jones super hero team would be swell

Opening - 42, Scary Movie 5, To the Wonder (limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - I'm still trying to get out and see The Place Beyond the Pines, but that's proving difficult with The Masters and some solid NBA match ups on Sunday.  And as usual, Game of Thrones and Mad Men.

Song of the Week - "Blue Drag" by Allen Toussaint

In honor of the fantastic Mad Men returning this evening, here's a little something something to get you in that quintessential 60's scotch-swilling, suit-rocking, booty-slapping mood.  Allen Toussaint's cover of Django Reinhardt's Blue Drag really captures that era of cool.  This should pretty much play any time Don and Roger walk into a room.

Opening this Weekend (4/5 - 4/7)

Yeah, I pretty much had the same exact reaction to the Kevin Ware injury

Opening - Evil Dead, Trance (limited release), Upstream Color (limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - I will be enjoying the ultimate white people problem of deciding whether to watch Game of Thrones or Mad Men first.  Oh the trials and tribulations of privileged adulthood. *sips overpriced microbrew*

Opening this Weekend (3/29 - 3/31)

Silly goose, take your blindfold off!

Opening - G.I. Joe: Retaliation, The Host, Tyler Perry's Temptation, The Place Beyond the Pines (limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - College basketball or GTFO.  But also, The Place Beyond the Pines, my third most anticipated movie of the year.  See Baby Goose in all his sultry glory before he fades into a retirement filled with puppies, goose feather pillows and warm mochaccinos.

Song of the Week - "Beast" by Nico Vega (Acoustic Version)

I want to put this segment up every Friday afternoon/evening, hopefully to coincide with a show or movie coming out that weekend.  Or maybe just because I think the song is badass and you'd be culturally enhanced by listening to it.  Whatever.

I'm going to open with Nico Vega's acoustic version Beast that I heard over the weekend.  You've probably heard the original on the Bioshock: Infinite commercial (which is pretty kickass in its own right), but I think this version takes the cake.  Can't you just hear this rippling through your speakers during an epic final scene of an episode of Breaking Bad? 

Opening this Weekend (3/22 - 3/24)

The haggard results of one of history's greatest handsome-offs

Opening – Olympus Has Fallen, The Croods, Admission

Googan suggestion for the week – Well, considering this segment is three days late, I hope you enjoyed your weekend with offensive amounts of college hoops like I did.  The worst part though?  Watching those same eight horrifically annoying commercials over and over and over… “How was work?”  "One more day closer to retirement.” “And when’s that going to be?” “I don’t know… never?”  OH F*CK YOU YOU OLD *SSHOLES!!!  IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAD KIDS AND DIDN’T FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND ARE NOW SLAVING AWAY IN SOME CORPORATE PURGATORY WHILE YOUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL FACULTIES DETERIORATE AT THE PACE OF A DYING STAR!!!  NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY TV AND LET ME RELISH GEORGETOWN’S EMBARRASSMENT IN ALL OF ITS MAGNIFICENT GLORY!!!

Netflix Streaming Review - Sleepless Night ("Nuit blanche")

They may be stuck in their ways, but never say the French don't know how to charm the hell out of their women...

I have a feeling this may be a pretty short review (and that has NOTHING to do with the fact that it's day one of the NCAA Tournament and I just got out of work and I'm drinking a tall boy and what the hell were we talking about again?)  But I say that because... well, there isn't a ton to say about Sleepless Night.  It's easily one of the most straight-forward movies I've ever seen.  That isn't a knock against the film by any stretch.  I mean what they set out to do they execute very well.  And as someone who finds great beauty in the pure and simplistic, I very, very much appreciate this approach.  But simplicity for the sake of simplicity without reflecting much more than that is... well, it's a bit bland.

Mad Men Season 6 Posters/Stills Revealed. LET'S SPECULATE!!!

So... Does double the Drapin' mean double the finger rapin'?

As seen above, Mad Men released their Season 6 poster and bunch of stills, and like any Matt Weiner project, their cloaked in ambiguity and symbolic hints.  Shall we?

Opening this Weekend (3/15 -3/17)

"I'm relevant again?!?  God damn it, please tell me I'm relevant again!!"

Opening - The Call, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, Spring Breakers (in limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - It's St.  Patrick's Day.  I will be consuming copious amounts of whiskey and beer, watching The Departed and Gangs of New York on repeat, and screaming racial slurs at every single person I see after two o'clock.  I mean, that's what the Irish are known for doing, right?

Episode Recap - The Walking Dead: "Arrow on the Doorpost"

"You go 'head bro."  "Umm, after you bro." Yeah, I think that was an actual quote

A brotastic recap of last night’s big ol’ dick measurin’ The Walking Dead - "Arrow on the Doorpost".  Check it out.

Opening this Weekend (3/8 - 3/10)

"Franco and his witches.  Y'know, like bitches?  Anyone?" *taps mic*  "Is this thing on?"

Opening - Oz the Great and Powerful, Dead Man Down

Googan suggestion for the weekend - Well, I'm going to my parents' place this weekend so my Mom's probably going to drag me to Oz... so yeah, you should be a good son (or daughter if that's your fancy) like me and take your Mom to a movie.  Boom.

Trailer Breakdown - Iron Man 3

Future Don Draper observes future Roger Sterling prepare him a future Old Fashioned

New Iron Man 3 trailer's all up in this place, ya'll.  Let's go break it down like a Run DMC house party.

Episode Recap - The Walking Dead: Clear

And that's why you never play "Never Have I Ever" with your son

I'm going to let Dustin Rowles over at Warming Glow take the stage as he has a very good recap of last Sunday's tense, ponderous and downright impressive episode of The Walking Dead.  As a sucker for meticulously-paced, minimalist-style productions with a dash of dark humor (see Breaking Bad, No Country For Old Men, Backdoor Sluts 7), this episode was right up my alley.  But with that being said, I think it's ultimately a testament of how much better this show could be.  Season 2 was way too heavy on supposed character development while completely lacking a progressive story and action, whereas Season 3 has had the opposite problem.  The two don't need to be mutually exclusive.  This episode did a fantastic job illustrating that. 

Netflix Streaming Review - Headhunters

Ahh, reminds me of my own fraternity days... *lights pipe, puffs, whimsically strokes the head of stuffed pledge*

So imagine you and your significant other decide to go out for a fancy dinner.  You agree to patronize an establishment that’s somewhat off the beaten path that serves a cuisine you’re not entirely familiar with, but one in which you’ve read some favorable reviews of online and hey, you’re an adventurous couple, why the hell not?  You arrive to find a warm, comfortable ambience and friendly wait staff.  Your appetizer soon arrives and you find it delightfully inviting, only further whetting your appetite for the entrée.  And what an entrée it is.  Perfectly cooked, beautifully presented and utterly satisfying, you feel like you’ve consumed one the best meals you’ve had in months.  But then the dessert is wheeled out.  And.  It.  Sucks.  Like, f*cking putrid.  Generic, tasteless and completely lacking any relation to the previous two dishes, the final portion of the meal ruins your experience.  You walk out disappointed and finally determine you really need to stop approaching your meals like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.

Opening this Weekend (3/1 - 3/3)

Dude, your Mom's in this?

Opening - 21 and Over, Jack the Giant Slayer, Phantom, The Last Excorcism Part II, Stoker (in limited release)

Googan Suggestion for the Weekend - It's March man, go outside to a beer garden or something.  Movie-wise, perhaps check out Stoker if you're lucky enough to live in a city of affluence and relevance like I do *twirls pocket-watch, drops nickel into homeless man's coffee*

Was Seth MacFarlane's Oscar Hosting Offensive to Women?

Back in the mid-2000's I used to read a fantastic site called Fire Joe Morgan.  Created by a group of buddies working under pseudonyms, the site made it their holy quest to seek out and eviscerate lazy, unsubstantiated and downright sh*tty sportswriting.  For me, it was a godsend.  One of the wittiest, funniest and yet intelligent sites I still have ever encountered on the web, I found FJM absolutely awesome (somewhat-cool, semi-related story, I found out years after the site shutdown that the primary founder, "Ken Tremendous", ended up revealing himself to be Michael Schur, creator of one of my all-time favorite tv shows, Parks and Recreaction, as well as Mose from The Office.  So yeah, feel free to use that one at the bar if you feel like.  Chicks dig small world internet stories).

But FJM's style was one where they would literally go line-by-line and dissect the ever-loving sh*t out of an article.  So if you were a writer who didn't put the proper work in, man watch out.  Because these guys knew their stuff (Moneyball style), were excellent comedic writers and were straight up ruthless.  So good.

Now applying that same style to those writing about movies and television is a lot different because subjectivity plays a much larger role in critiquing your subject.  But at the same time, just because subjectivity plays a significant role in the structure of your piece doesn't mean your subjective opinion is immune to being idiotic.

So yeah, I came across an article this morning that pissed me off to the point that I felt compelled to go after it FJM style.  And true, it may be rude and unprofessional and probably even mean, but hey, I do this as a hobby between working a nine-to-five and putting as much cheap vodka into my system as possible.  Empathy isn't exactly a strong suit for me.

Now a little background on the article.  Published in The New Yorker and authored by a Ms. Amy Davidson, the main thrust of the piece is that Seth MacFarlane's hosting gig of the Oscars was plagued by offensive misogynistic antics.  Now as a human being that lacks a vagina, I can't really comment on whether MacFarlane's act was offensive to women or not.  Did I find it stupid and crude?  Yeah, sure.  Offensive?  I don't think so, but I'm completely open to someone making the case that it was.

So Ms. Davidson, please proceed...

Episode Recap - The Walking Dead (3.9 - 3.11)

Dude's an amazing shot considering he has zero depth perception

Apologies for being late to the game on the return of TWD.  I'm hoping to do brief "recaps" (aka me bitching about how crappy all of the characters are) of each episode for the second half of Season 3, but that requires consistency and work ethic, which are the exact reasons I don't work at Nathan's anymore.  Well, that and the HR complaints.

Before we get started though, can I just say how annoying breaking up a season is?  I mean yeah, I understand it gets you more episodes and run time and whatever, but dude, it just kills any momentum the show has going for it.  Especially a show like TWD where action and plot development are key to a successful season.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, AMC, you guys are really fantastic at being boners sometimes.

Alright, but enough of my gripin' and snipin'.  Let's get to it.

Oscars 2013 - Recap

"And so then I'm all like, "BOOBS!!!"  What'd you guys think, pretty clever, huh?"

Listen, my feelings on the Oscars aren't t exactly nuanced.  I think it's the jerkiest of circle-jerks this side of the State of the Union, an absurdly over-the-top display of pomp and circumstance in which the wealthiest of the wealthy join hands to pat each other on the ass and congratulate one another for doing a great job playing pretend for a living.  So yeah, essentially the same thing as the State of the Union (ZING!).  But at the same time, I love movies.  And I love celebrating them with people who share that same passion.  So if it means I have to put up with a bunch of monumental blowhards pretending they're important for a few hours, so be it.  And hey, most importantly, it's a fantastic excuse to drink on a Sunday and make fun of people from your couch (thanks Twitter!).

Trailer Breakdown - Game of Thrones (Season 3)

Mance Rayder don't give a f*ck

YESYESYESYESYESYESEYES.  Finally, after an eternity of waiting (aka about nine months), we're FINALLY being treated to some Game of Thrones: Season Three footage.  Lot of goodies here, including my main man Ciaran Hinds as Westeros OG Mance Rayder (I mean, look at that guy.  I would love to have a permanent scowl like that carved into my otherwise completely pussy face).  But enough about me, let's get down and dirty in this week's installment of everybody's (aka my mom's) favorite Googans on Movies segment:  Trailer Breakdown.

Opening this Weekend (2/22 - 2/24)

Blue collar Rock being hardcore with Michael K. Williams??  WHAT GODS HAVE I PLEASED?!?!

Opening - Snitch, Dark Skies

Googan suggestion for the weekend - Another light and most likely shitty weekend for movies, so yeah, I don't know, read a book or something.  I'm currently reading two books.  Because I'm smart.

Netflix Streaming Review - Lost

RELEVENT

So I've been debating how to review this show for the past few days now.  Because to be perfectly honest, I don't have any real feelings about it.  I didn't love it, I didn't hate it, and I really don't think much about it.  And considering that Lost concluded in 2010 and it's pop culture relevance has tempered off to the point where people now just shrug and drool when I ask them if they've seen it, I'm not sure what exact point this review is going to serve.  Because let me tell you something, brother.  Binge watching Lost is kind of like deciding to run a marathon for the first time; about halfway through you're thinking to yourself, "What the f*ck was I thinking actually trying to do this."  And yet you can't quit because, well, you've devoted so much time and effort to getting through the first half.  And if you aren't prepared to power through the next couple of hours/seasons of pain, then you're in some serious trouble, brother (okay, watch the show and you'll get the joke).

Opening this Weekend (2/15 - 2/17)

"So I just have to repeatedly make this face for ninety minutes and you give me $20 million?  Cool.  Now where do I sign?"

Note - Sorry for this being super late, y'all.  Don't drink Wednesday through Saturday, I guess would be my sh*tty advice.

Opening - A Good Day to Die Hard, Safe Haven, Beautiful Creatures, Escape from Planet Earth

Googan suggestion for the weekend - Honor the presidents by engaging in copious amounts of day drinking.  Because this is America and that's how patriotism works p*ssy *shotguns keg, punches foreigner*

Trailer Breakdown - Jack the Giant Slayer

Please say cocksucker, please say cocksucker, please say cocksucker...

Hey, guys!  What's going on?!?  So let me ask you a question.  When you saw Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, what was the first thing that went through your mind?  Well, yeah, besides how to get Gemma Arterton out of that gothy corset... but seriously guys!  How about this!  CAN WE PLEASE GET MORE EDGY, GRITTY FAIRY TALE ADAPTIONS LIKE RIGHT THE HECK NOW OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!! *head explodes Scanners style* 

Well fear not, friends, Jack the Giant Slayer (suggested porn parody:  Collect the Mayan's Flavor; yeah, I know, it's a stretch) is here to save the day!

Han Solo and Boba Fett Standalone Films Confirmed

Your mom's gynecologist wears the same thing during her exams

Man, all this Star Wars news is like crack for movie bloggers.  Mm-mm-mmm.  You bring the spoon, I'll bring the Bic, Shelly's got the rock, gnome sayin'?  I mean, wait, what?

Aaaaaaanyways, unless you're poor and don't have internet access, you've probably heard that fan favorite Star Wars characters Han Solo and Boba Fett are confirmed to be getting their own standalone films, ala X-Men Origins: Wolverine (which TOTALLY sucked).  The Solo film is rumored to be centered around the character when he was in his late teens/early twenties and the Fett storyline is supposed to be based sometime during the original trilogy.

Opening this Weekend (2/8 - 2/10)

"MY GOD.  Kelis' milkshake DOES bring all the boys to yard."

Opening - Side Effects, Identity Thief

Googan suggestion for the weekend - Destroy a child's snowman.

Trailer Breakdown - Fast and Furious 6

"No Paul, I'm being serious.  You're a sh*t actor.  And that's coming from ME."

Bros!  BROS!!!  Extended trailer for Fast & Furious 6.  It's out.  Oh man, it's f*ucking out.  How torqued are you guys?!?  Seriously, how torqued?!?  'Cause this hard-on *points to below average sized penis* is ready to PAAAAAAAAR-TAAAAAAAY!!!

LET'S DO THIS!!!

Opening this Weekend (2/1 - 2/3)

"'Ey oh, Adrian, looka me, I'm a dentis'"

Opening - Bullet to the Head, Stand Up Guys, Warm Bodies

Star Wars 3.0

"Wait... So you actually thought Jar Jar Binks was a good idea?

So I know I’m super eight to this story (hehe), but I guess the big movie news of the year so far has been Disney’s purchasing of the Star Wars franchise and consequent hiring of nerd-god JJ Abrams to helm Episode VII. My thoughts on this can prooooobably be encapsulated best by a minor shrug.  Now I very much enjoy the original three, as does probably any person that happened to see them in their pre-teen years.  But I wouldn’t call myself a super-fan by any stretch.  And as for the prequels… can we just agree that those don’t exist?  I mean yes, I understand their canon or whatever and that’s fine, I can live with the story (which we all pretty much knew to begin with), but that portrayal… Jesus, those movies are beyond abysmal.  And you if you even try and defend them…

Trailer Alert - Inside Llewyn Davis

POLTERGEIST!!! RUN!!!

As a movie/curly-headed siblings expert, the Coen brothers are pretty much the cream of the crop.  There's a miss every now then (so I'm told; I like all of their movies), but few are as consistently distinct and original.  Here's a trailer for their newest, Inside Llewyn Davis, after the jump.

Opening This Weekend (1/25 -1/27)

You guys remember "Van Helsing?"  Yeah, me neither.

Opening - Hansel and Gretel, Movie 43, Parker

Oscar Nom Picks

"Dude, seriously, just keep your eyes closed.  No one will think you're gay.  I promise."

Let's get weird!  Let's weird!  Man, there's nothing like blogging out by predicting the Oscar winners.  I mean, just so f*cking fetch.  Where to even start?  What's that?  Best Picture?  Yeah, okay, I guess that's pretty obvious.  What?  No!  Not true!  Shut up, bro!  No, you're an idiot!  Oh yeah!  Oh yeah!  Well, umm, that's not what your Mom said last night!

Jesus, I seriously need to get more friends.

Opening this Weekend (1/18 - 1/20)

"The name's Kyle Chandler.  Now don't be alarmed, but just so you're aware, I will be in ALL of the movies this year."

Opening - Broken City, The Last Stand, Mama

Netflix Streaming Review - Indie Game: The Movie

Heavy-handed and righteously self-important, Indie Game: The Movie is not a film for bullies and varsity QBs.

MESSAGE

Are you lonely and feel dejected?  Don’t feel like anyone really appreciates you?  Well then boy, do I have the movie for you!  It’s called Indie Game: The Movie and it’s all about, well, being yourself!

Ugh, this movie was a bit of a painful watch.  Don’t get me wrong; I liked it.  Sort of.  It just had a lot of those… I don’t know, “really?” sort of moments.  Because with documentaries there’s a bit of a give and take you need to establish with the audience.  When you make the traditional fictional movie that we’re all familiar with, you as the director are granted a lot of leeway because you’re dictating a narrative, guts and all.  As such, we’re willing to work with you in regards to establishing setting, developing characters, so on and so forth.  But with a documentary, you’re more of a purveyor; a third party lurking around eying the goods so you can make that ever so sweet score.  So with that being the case, you reeeeeeally need to give the audience something they can identify with.  I mean introducing me to a beautiful woman is very attention grabbing, but if she’s littered with venereal diseases, what exactly do you expect me to get out of the situation?

Netflix Streaming Review - Jiro Dreams of Sushi

A Man on Wire-esque documentary that uses the culture of sushi to explore one man's pursuit of perfection.

Thanks Jiro, making me feel reeeeeal good about drinking this here Cobra 

Okay, so I have a confession to make.  Diners, Drive Ins and Dives on the Food Network is easily one of my biggest guilty pleasures, especially on a hangover Sunday.  And I don’t really know why.  Call me old-fashioned, but Guy Fieri is a lumbering, mouth-breathing caricature that is either an evil genius fooling everyone and becoming insanely wealthy in the process or a tacky, out-of-touch goon that just happened to stumble upon a random pot of gold.  Either way, I don’t like him.  But beyond lazy ad hominem attacks, the real issue of DDD is that the structure of the show is a one trick pony designed to appeal to our most base instincts.  “DEEP FRIED POTATO PANCAKES COVERED IN WHIPPED CREAM AND POWDERED SUGAR!?!?!  UGH, PUT IT IN MY BUTT ASAP BROCHACHO!!!  WATCH OUT FLAVORTOWN, THERE’S A NEW MAYOR IN TOWN!!!” *passes out from hyperglycemia*

Review - Zero Dark Thirty

Bigelow does the impossible and humanizes “The War on Terror” through a narrative driven by the interplay between conviction and doubt.  And Navy SEALs.

Hey, by the way, have you seen me in Mad Men?  I'm actually pretty good.

*dusts off dictionary, thumbs through pages, adjust glasses, clears throat*

War (noun) - a conflict carried on by a force of arms, as between nations or between parties within a nation; warfare, as by land, sea, or air.

So here’s the deal.  When you manipulate the definition of a word to serve political and public relations ends, you invariably lose a great deal of that word’s original context.  And when you do it to a word as powerful and influential as “war”, you lose, well, context in its entirety.  This is simply the nature of linguistics.  So as renowned super smart dude James Childress once said, “In debating social policy through the language of war, we often forget the moral reality of war.”

Now I don’t want to sound super preachy or anything, but it is incredibly easy to lose that moral reality when you substitute abstract concepts (“freedom” as defined by Party A vs “terror” as defined by Party A (see the problem already?)) for tangible entities (Country A vs Country B).  The consequences are that rules are bent and displaced, ambiguity reigns and prospers and the feedback loop for our conventional moral reality is no longer applicable.

Opening this Weekend (1/11 - 1/13)

"Knock, knock motherf*cker"

Opening - Zero Dark Thirty, Gangster Squad, A Haunted House

Netflix Streaming Review - Blue Valentine

Gosling earmuffs are the best kind of earmuffs

“The Notebook on some super serious downers”

(WARNING – SLIGHT SPOILERS AHEAD)

Blue Valentine is remarkably similar to The Notebook.  I know, right?  Crazy talk.  Allow me to explain.  Where The Notebook traffics in romantic fantasy like your aunt’s favorite super market paperback, Blue Valentine traffics in hardcore cynicism towards the entire concept of love.  It’s a complete poke in the eye of traditional “love at first sight” stories.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I mean there’s a reason the divorce rate in this country is over fifty percent and that millions of couples, for a lack of more poetic language, are f*cking miserable.

But if you want to be considered more than a puff piece (which I know Blue Valentine does and, for what it’s worth, I believe is), you really need to have something meaningful to say.  Crapping on every obnoxious thing the up her own ass lit major in your economics of labor class purports isn’t a bad thing, but if you’re going to offer nothing in return, then what are you really doing besides stroking your own ego?  This is Blue Valentine’s largest problem.  It’s the story of a relationship that, at the end of the day, we know nothing about.  And when we know nothing about the one singular concept your narrative is focused around, then we have an issue.

The Wolverine Will Pretty Much Be a Western

That's not how you Tebow, silly!

Via Slashfilm, EW did a long interview with James Mangold on his upcoming film The Wolverine (my ninth most anticipated movie of the year).  I didn't read it because I have the attention span of a dying moth, but here's the money quote:

"An old friendship [puts the story in motion]. What brings him there is an old ally in Japan. We find Logan in a moment of tremendous disillusionment. We find him estranged. One of the models I used working on the film was The Outlaw Josey Wales. You find Logan and his love is gone, his mentors are gone, many of his friends are gone, his own sense of purpose – what am I doing, why do I bother – and his exhaustion is high. He has lived a long time, and he’s tired. He’s tired of the pain."

Top Twelve Most Anticipated Movies of 2013

"They're talking about how sh*tty Gatsby looks, I know they are..."

Without further ado (because I know so many of you were dying to know), here are my top twelve most anticipated movies for 2013 (what's that, why twelve and not ten?  Because I initially had eleven, then realized I forgot one.  So now it's twelve).

Netflix Streaming Review - The Queen of Versailles

Title - The Queen of Versailles

Genre - Documentary

Director - Lauren Greenfield

Cast - A super wealthy, then super not wealthy, family called the Siegels.  And some other folk.

IMDB Synopsis - "A documentary that follows a billionaire couple as they begin construction on a mansion inspired by Versailles. During the next two years, their empire, fueled by the real estate bubble and cheap money, falters due to the economic crisis."

Opening this Weekend

Hey dipshit, I WILL go Daniel fackin' Plainview on your ass

Opening - Promised Land, Texas Chainsaw 3D

Welcome, Ya Stinky Lousy Googans

Yeah, what the title says.  This is Googans on Movies, your blog devoted to all things movie/tv related done so in a manner some would call tragically decrepit and foul.  So strap in, grab a tall boy and a pack of smokes, and enjoy the ride.

On my dongski.