Opening This Weekend (1/25 -1/27)

You guys remember "Van Helsing?"  Yeah, me neither.

Opening - Hansel and Gretel, Movie 43, Parker

Hansel and Gretel

Are you metaphorically shooting down your career, Jeremy?  Because I think you are.

Synopsis - "Catching up with Hansel and Gretel 15 years after their incident involving a gingerbread house, the siblings have evolved into bounty hunters who hunt witches."

Metacritic Score - 18

Thoughts - Listen, if studios want to make these sort of movies, go for it.  I don't really care.  But maybe, just maaaaaaaaybe, don't market them with such a self-serious tone.  Because, yeah, this whole thing looks beyond retarded.  The Brothers Grimm would not be impressed.


Movie 43

GET IT?!? Because white people suck at basketball!  Hooray for lazy jokes!

Synopsis - "A feature-film comprised of short comedy segments."

Metacritic Score - 18

Thoughts - You ever see one of those commercials that tries so painfully hard to be funny but all it ends up doing is being really, really awkward?  Yeah, this kind of reminds me of that.  It's as if a bunch of super out-of-touch white middle-aged studio execs sat around a table and were like "Okay, so what're all young people finding funny these days?  Edgy humor?  Okay, great, let's do lots of that and completely abandon context in the process!  And put normally straight-laced famous people in it!  Juxtaposition is all the rage these days!"

Yeah, think I'll pass.


Parker

A British and an American treasure meet at last

Synopsis - "Parker is a professional thief who lives by a personal code of ethics: Don’t steal from people who can’t afford it and don’t hurt people who don’t deserve it (just like Robin Hood! -ed.). But on his latest heist, his crew double crosses him, steals his stash, and leaves him for dead. Determined to make sure they regret it, Parker tracks them to PalmBeach (sic), playground of the rich and famous, where the crew is planning their biggest heist ever. Donning the disguise of a rich Texan, Parker takes on an unlikely partner, Leslie, a savvy insider, who’s short on cash, but big on looks, smarts and ambition. Together, they devise a plan to hijack the score, take everyone down and get away clean."

Metacritic Score - 45

Thoughts - Can we please have a Statham/Wahlberg buddy cop movie?  Is that too much to ask?