Saturday, January 26, 2013

Oscar Nom Picks

"Dude, seriously, just keep your eyes closed.  No one will think you're gay.  I promise."

Let's get weird!  Let's weird!  Man, there's nothing like blogging out by predicting the Oscar winners.  I mean, just so f*cking fetch.  Where to even start?  What's that?  Best Picture?  Yeah, okay, I guess that's pretty obvious.  What?  No!  Not true!  Shut up, bro!  No, you're an idiot!  Oh yeah!  Oh yeah!  Well, umm, that's not what your Mom said last night!
Jesus, I seriously need to get more friends.

Best Picture:
“Beasts of the Southern Wild”
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Zero Dark Thirty” – Should win
“Lincoln” – Will win
“Les Miserables”
“Life of Pi”
“Django Unchained”
Analysis – I think they play it safe with Spielberg here.  Beasts no one saw, Silver Linings has the comedy tag (though it’s a great dark horse), Zero Dark is too controversial, Les Mis has zero momentum, Pi is just sort of there, Amour is foreign, Django is Tarantino, and Argo… well, Argo probably has a pretty good shot.  Lincoln, Argo, Silver Linings in that order.  Sorry Zero Dark, I still got your back.
Best Supporting Actor:
Christoph Waltz, “Django Unchained” - Will and should win
Philip Seymour Hoffman, “The Master”
Robert De Niro, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Alan Arkin, “Argo”
Tommy Lee Jones, “Lincoln”
Analysis – Arkin was bit player, Tommy Lee Jones was too Tommy Lee Jones, De Niro should never be given another award given all the shit he’s made in the past ten years and Hoffman… well, Hoffman was pretty good.  But it’s a weak field this year, so I gots to go with Waltz
Best Supporting Actress:
Sally Field, “Lincoln”
Anne Hathaway, “Les Miserables” – Will and should win
Jacki Weaver, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Helen Hunt, “The Sessions”
Amy Adams, “The Master”
She sings and acts and her character dies tragically.  What else do you need?
Best Director:
David O. Russell, “Silver Linings Playbook” – Should win.
Ang Lee, “Life of Pi”
Steven Spielberg, “Lincoln” – Will win.
Michael Haneke, “Amour”
Benh Zeitlin, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Bizarre field.  No one’s seen two of these movies and I have idea how you don’t have Tarantino, Bigelow and Affleck up there.  Best Director and Best Picture go together like two buttons on a blazer (#Greenwich, #country club, #laxxx), so I got to go safe with Stevie Speils.
Best Actor:
Daniel Day Lewis, “Lincoln” – Will and should win
Denzel Washington, “Flight”
Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”
Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”
Analysis - Phoenix was f*cking fantastic, but yeah, it’s DDL.  Ball don’t lie.
Best Actress:
Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook” – Should and will win
Emmanuelle Riva, “Amour”
Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Analysis – I’m a bit torn here.  I loved Chastain in ZD30, but I also happen to have a super duper crush on Jennifer Lawrence.  Lawrence seems to have the momentum though.  And think Chastain is getting some unfair criticism about her role; “NEEDS MORE EMOTION!”, “NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!”, “EAT A SANDWICH!”  Ugh, do the whole world a favor and fall into a lion cage.
Best Original Screenplay:
“Zero Dark Thirty”
“Django Unchained” – Will and should win.
“Moonrise Kingdom”
Analysis – Not many people write scripts like Tarantino does.  And the best thing about his movies is consistently the script.
Best Adapted Screenplay:
“Lincoln” – Can and should win.
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Life of Pi”
“Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Analysis – Old-timey southern insults are the best kind of insults.  Especially when they emanate from the mouth of Tommy Lee Jones.
Best Animated Feature:
“The Pirates! Band of Misfits”
“Wreck-It Ralph” – Should win
“Brave” – Will win
Analysis – Don’t.  Care.
Best Foreign Feature:
“Amour” – Will and should win.
“A Royal Affair”
“War Witch”
Analysis – Amour?  More like Awin, amiright??  No, no, it’s fine, I’ll let myself out.
Best Visual Effects:
“Life of Pi” – Will win
“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
“The Avengers”
“Prometheus” – Should win
“Snow White and the Huntsman”
Analysis – I never saw Life of Pi, but from what everyone is saying the visual effects and cinematography were gorgeous.  But if Prometheus had anything going for it, was this sort of stuff.  Well, that and Robot Fassbender.
Best Cinematography:
“Anna Karenina”
“Django Unchained”
“Life of Pi” – Will and should win
Analysis – See above.
Best Costume Design:
“Anna Karenina”
“Les Miserables” – Will and should win
“Mirror Mirror”
“Snow White and the Huntsman”
Thoughts – Two of these movies are stupid adaptations of the same stupid fairy tale and one’s a movie no one saw except critics and Russian Lit majors.  So Lincoln or Les Mis?  Well, a musical is nothing without grandiose costumes, so I’m going to have to go with those guys.
Best Documentary Feature:
“Searching for Sugar Man” – Will and should win.
“How to Survive a Plague”
“The Gatekeepers”
“5 Broken Cameras”
“The Invisible War”
Analysis – I heard it was really good (can’t you tell how legit my opinions and analysis are?)
Best Documentary Short:
“Open Heart”
“Kings Point”
“Mondays at Racine” – Will and should win
Thoughts – Alright, now I’m really out of my element.  Now which sounds the most Oscary… hmm…  okay, Mondays at Racine, I guess.  I have no idea what that means, so it must be good.
Best Film Editing:
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Life of Pi”
“Argo” – Will and should win
“Zero Dark Thirty”
Analysis – Everyone seems to say the same exact thing about Argo:  “It was just a really well-executed movie.”  Well folks, to me that translates to great editing.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling:
“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
“Les Miserables” – Will and should.
Analysis – “Game.  Blouses.”
Best Music (Original Score):
“Anna Karenina”
“Life of Pi” – Will and should win.
Analysis – No Zero Dark?  Weak.  That score was the tits.  And if this goes to John Williams again I’m going to punch a koala right in it’s stupid head.
Best Music (Original Song):
“Before My Time” from “Chasing Ice”
“Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from “Ted”
“Pi’s Lullaby” from “Life of Pi” – Will and should win.
“Skyfall” from “Skyfall”
“Suddenly” from “Les Misérables”
Analysis – Who doesn’t like lullabies?  Samoans.  That’s who.  #themoreyouknow
Best Production Design:
“Anna Karenina”
“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
“Les Misérables” – Will and should win
“Life of Pi”
Analysis – Remember what I said about costume design?  Same dizzy deal here.
Best Short Film, Animated:
“Adam and Dog”
“Fresh Guacamole” – Will and should win.
“Head over Heels”
“Maggie Simpson in ‘The Longest Daycare’”
Analysis – My friend The Good Doctor once stole an avocado from an old man and ate it, skin and all, right in front of him.  I have never looked at guacamole the same since.
Best Short Film, Live Action:
“Buzkashi Boys”
“Death of a Shadow (Dood van een Schaduw)” – Will and should win.
Analysis – What is this, the most boring title category?? (*high-fives bro, shotguns pledge*)
Best Sound Editing:
“Django Unchained”
“Life of Pi”
“Zero Dark Thirty” – Will and should win.
Analysis – I mean, come on.  The raid scene?   Duuuuuude.  That was some real balls to the wall sh*t right there.
Best Sound Mixing:
“Les Misérables” – Will and should win
“Life of Pi”
Thoughts – What the hell is the difference between this and Sound Editing?  I mean, I don’t know, Les Mis was all singing so… there was consequently a lot of… mixing… I guess, maybe?  Yeah, f*ck it, whatever.

God that was exhausting.  To the beer fridge!

No comments:

Post a Comment