Friday, March 15, 2013

Opening this Weekend (3/15 -3/17)

"I'm relevant again?!?  God damn it, please tell me I'm relevant again!!"
Opening - The Call, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, Spring Breakers (in limited release)

Googan suggestion for the weekend - It's St.  Patrick's Day.  I will be consuming copious amounts of whiskey and beer, watching The Departed and Gangs of New York on repeat, and screaming racial slurs at every single person I see after two o'clock.  I mean, that's what the Irish are known for doing, right?

The Call
Four monitors for a f*cking 911 operator?? Where the hell does this take place, Vail?
Synopsis - "In order to save a young girl's life, a 911 operator must confront a killer from her past."

Metascore - 51

Thoughts - This looks like it should have come out in 1997 and starred Jennifer Lopez and a young Anna Paquin.  Probably not the wisest of comeback vehicles, Halle.  And good God does this plot look beyond retarded, at least by what the trailer lends you to believe.  Unless there's going to be some super awesome twist, pure coincidence should not be the lynchpin holding your movie's plot together.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
No.  Just... no.
Synopsis - "After breaking up with his longtime stage partner, a famous but jaded Vegas magician fights for relevance when a new, "hip" street magician appears on the scene."

Metascore - 44

Thoughts - You guys remember Dinner for Schmucks?  Yeah, me neither.  But this looks pretty much like another version of that.  I get the feeling this would have been much better suited as an SNL sketch.  Over ninety minutes of making fun of magicians?  Seriously?  Aren't they kind of a one-trick pony?  Beyond the obvious jokes, what exactly do you have to fill an hour and half with ?  "HAHAHA GET IT?!?  THEY'RE OVERLY ECCENTRIC AND CRAZY!!!  JUST LOOK AT HIS HAIR!!!  SO WILD!!!"

Spring Breakers
*Runs into bathroom, locks door, isn't seen for hours*
Synopsis - "Four college girls who land in jail after robbing a restaurant in order to fund their spring break vacation find themselves bailed out by a drug and arms dealer who wants them to do some dirty work."

Metascore - 64

Thoughts - No doubt about it, this movie looks absolutely batsh*t insane.  Former Disney teenie boppers slutting it up and hanging out with a grilled out, corn-rowed James Franco?  Yes and please, good sir.  Just some good old-fashioned family fun right here.  Now naturally your going to have your usual slew of toolbox critics with too much time on their hands reading waaaaaaaaay to much into anything going on this movie ("alas, alas, it's the American Dream run amok!" or whatever), but there's a special place in hell reserved for them, so I'm going to thoroughly (read: creepily) enjoy this with my good friend, Mr. Jim Beam.      

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