Monday, March 25, 2013

Opening this Weekend (3/22 - 3/24)

The haggard results of one of history's greatest handsome-offs

Opening – Olympus Has Fallen, The Croods, Admission

Googan suggestion for the week – Well, considering this segment is three days late, I hope you enjoyed your weekend with offensive amounts of college hoops like I did.  The worst part though?  Watching those same eight horrifically annoying commercials over and over and over… “How was work?”  "One more day closer to retirement.” “And when’s that going to be?” “I don’t know… never?”  OH F*CK YOU YOU OLD *SSHOLES!!!  IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAD KIDS AND DIDN’T FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND ARE NOW SLAVING AWAY IN SOME CORPORATE PURGATORY WHILE YOUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL FACULTIES DETERIORATE AT THE PACE OF A DYING STAR!!!  NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY TV AND LET ME RELISH GEORGETOWN’S EMBARRASSMENT IN ALL OF ITS MAGNIFICENT GLORY!!!

Olympus Has Fallen
"Hello.  I'm the nameless stereotypical Asian bad guy.  Who might you be?"
Synopsis - "A former Secret Service agent works to prevent a terrorist attack on the White House."

Metascore – 43

Positive User Review – rmjbones says, “This is a GREAT action movie. I'm judging it based on an action movie not a movie up for an oscar. It has a lot of cool action scenes, good plot, well acted and was intense. I think it is the perfect action movie.”

This sounds like the EXACT person this movie movie was made for.  Hooray.

Negative User Review – buckeyes7549 says, “I can't believe I paid money to watch this movie. Absolutely terrible. The only reason I didn't give it a zero is because there were a few decent parts. If you are a remotely intelligent person you will find this movie's plot repulsive. It makes no sense at all, characters die for no reason, the CGI is awful, just a very poor movie.”

BOOOOOOO buckeyes7549!!!  You clearly have no idea what it takes to catch an Olympus!!!

Thoughts – When a city breaks, Mark Walhberg fixes it.  When Olympus falls, Gerard Butler catches it (with an assist from The Most Helpful Man in the World, Morgan Freeman).  Business as usual.  And wait, are the bad guys North Koreans again?  Man, f*ck those North Koreans.  Always invadin’ the USA and hangin’ out with Dennis Rodman and doing cray sh*t like that.

The Croods
I... must know more.
Synopsis - "A comedy adventure that takes us back to the beginning - to a previously undiscovered era known as the Croodacious - a time when Mother Nature was still experimenting and the flora and fauna we know today hasn't evolved yet."

Metascore – 56

Positive User Review – hacmiu36 says, “This may be not first or the second best animation i have ever seen. but the movie is very good, it maskes us laugh and happy.”

Well said, hacmiu36.  Well said.

Negative User Review – LanaDelRey says, “A Poor Mans Flinstones? Somewhat.... Still Barley Charming.....”

Barley Charming sounds like an Irish prince in a Pixar movie (wait, was there an Irish prince in Brave?)

Thoughts – Man, I’d rather have the Iron Sheik fart in my mouth for ninety consecutive minutes than watch this tour de force of mediocrity.

"...and THAT'S how you get your man to find the G-Spot.  Amiright, sister?"
Synopsis – "At Princeton, an admissions officer gets involved with a less-than-model potential student."

Metascore – 49

Positive User Review – RVingAmerica says, “We liked the movie but didn't LOVE it... A sweet story with irony & comedy blended well. My wife was sad to see it end. Paul Rudd & Tina Fey have good chemistry. And why do they require 150 characters??”

Thank God you’re here to ask the tough questions, RVingAmerica.  Thank God. *salutes American flag*

Negative User Review – MarcDoyle says, “I think the Metascore is about right on for this one. I like Paul Rudd and Tina Fey is solid, but the writing/editing of this story needed tightening up. The end is awkward, the crisis is mishandled, and the subject matter overall getting a kid into Princeton is just not quite interesting enough to form the backbone of a feature film at least the way it's written here. Lilly Tomlin does a nice job in a very small role.”

I think MarcDoyle is the Stephen Hawking of Metacritic user reviewers.

Thoughts – Tina Fey and Paul Rudd are both fantastic, that’s old news at this point, but God, this looks like another case of great talent wasted on supremely mediocre writing (can something be supremely mediocre?  Discuss).

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