Saturday, March 2, 2013

Opening this Weekend (3/1 - 3/3)

Dude, your Mom's in this?
Opening - 21 and Over, Jack the Giant Slayer, Phantom, The Last Excorcism Part II, Stoker (in limited release)

Googan Suggestion for the Weekend - It's March man, go outside to a beer garden or something.  Movie-wise, perhaps check out Stoker if you're lucky enough to live in a city of affluence and relevance like I do *twirls pocket-watch, drops nickel into homeless man's coffee*

21 and Over
In movie shorthand sorority letters equal the whore with a heart of gold.  Or massive b*tch.  Either one.
Synopsis - "The night before his big medical school exam, a promising student celebrates his 21st birthday with his two best friends."

Metacritic Score - 33

Thoughts - This looks like if you were to take a Workaholics episode, substitute all of the talent with a bunch of generic looking dorks hand-picked by a stereotypical studio executive and marketed it to the dumbest of the dumb.  If you willingly see this I'll spray paint weiners all over your grandmother's condo.

Jack the Giant Slayer
"Did I mention I used to run a brothel?  You would have been perfect for it."
Synopsis - "A modern day fairy tale in which the long-standing peace between men and giants is threatened, as a young farmer leads an expedition into the giants' kingdom in hopes of rescuing a kidnapped princess."

Metacritic Score - 50

Thoughts - I recently did a trailer breakdown of this movie that I think does a pretty good job summing up my thoughts on the film.  Needless to say, Hollywood's "hip" takes on fairy tales are to me what fluff questions from sports journalists are to Gregg Popovich.

Haha just kidding Billy Zane, you're still irrelevant
Synopsis - "The troubled captain of a Cold War Soviet submarine holds the fate of the world in his hands. Forced to leave his family behind, he is charged with leading a covert mission and tested by a rogue KGB group." (So... essentially The Hunt for Red October 2.0? -ed.)

Metacritic Score - 40

Thoughts - I really just want to be able to preview a movie that I actually want to see.  Is that to much to ask?  To fulfill my blogging dream?

The Last Exorcism Part II
Alright, this whole Harlem Shake thing is getting a bit out of hand
Synopsis - "At a New Orleans halfway house for girls, Nell Sweetzer attempts to recover from the trauma of the first film, but the demon that possessed her returns with an even more horrific plan."

Metacritic Score - 33

Thoughts - You can't be the last of something if that same thing happens again.  That's just a simple, logical proof.  Sh*t like this makes me irrationally angry and is now clouding my thoughts on what looks like an otherwise absolutely fantastic movie.  Because, as we all know, exorcism movies are always consistent marvels of cinematic prowess. *dismissively wanks for six hours*

But seriously, I think all you need to make an exorcism movie is a young actress that has the basic ability to look pale and scared all of the time, a plot vaguely reminiscent of The Exorcist, and just enough money to fund SFX that show said actress contorting like a twelve year old Chinese gymnast on a bath salts bender.  And...  PROFIT!

"Sup, I hear you're into beige."
Synopsis - "A teenage girl mourning the death of her father deals with an uncle who mysteriously shows up to meet the family."

Metacritic Score - 59

Thoughts - Reviews have been all over the place on this one, with some loving it and others hating it.  I think that often times can be a good sign, plus you have to give Chan-wook Park the benefit of the doubt given his body work from Korea.  But he's definitely more of a film nerd's kind of a director than an American mainstream's one.  Very psychological and hyper-violent.  As opposed to just hyper-violent, I guess. 

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