Monday, February 11, 2013

Trailer Breakdown - Jack the Giant Slayer

Please say cocksucker, please say cocksucker, please say cocksucker...
Hey, guys!  What's going on?!?  So let me ask you a question.  When you saw Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, what was the first thing that went through your mind?  Well, yeah, besides how to get Gemma Arterton out of that gothy corset... but seriously guys!  How about this!  CAN WE PLEASE GET MORE EDGY, GRITTY FAIRY TALE ADAPTIONS LIKE RIGHT THE HECK NOW OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!! *head explodes Scanners style* 

Well fear not, friends, Jack the Giant Slayer (suggested porn parody:  Collect the Mayan's Flavor; yeah, I know, it's a stretch) is here to save the day!

0:00-0:11 - Sick song choice, brah.  This sh*t's gonna get heavy, like totes.

0:12-0:24 - Come on guys, let's pick it up a little bit.  This is about as interesting as George R.R. Martin talk about anything not Game of Thrones related.  Hey, weirdo, finish your stupid books.  Daddy needs his incest dragon fix.

0:25 - "BOOM!!!  LET'S RAGE YA BEANSTALK CLIMBIN' HOMOS!!!" -What me and my frat bros would say if we were starring in this.  Which we should.  'Cause we're sweet.

0:26-0:33 - Yup, definitely dark and edgy.  Check that off the trendy cliche list.  God, I really hope you spent that paycheck on something worthwhile, Singer.

0:34 - Hi, Ewan MacGregor!  Remember when you made Trainspotting?  That was cool.

0:35-0:45 - "Fear of heights?"; "Fear of falling."; "Well, then, don't fall!"  Oh man, classic MacGregor!  Always joking around, that guy!

0:46-0:58 - I'll tell you what, man.  So far this looks like nothing more than a shroom trip gone horribly, horribly wrong.  And f*ck me if you think I'm going to spend the equivalent of NYC movie ticket on a batch of bad mushrooms.

0:59-1:19 - Crappy movie aside, this whole sequence is pretty much why you should never watch trailers.  These twenty seconds are essentially the entire second act.  If I actually planned on seeing this movie, I'd be kind of annoyed.  So yeah, avoid trailers for movies you want to see unless you know the director has full oversight over the marketing.  Because knowing, is half the battle. *lowers sunglasses, winks at camera*

1:18-1:20 - Haha he sounds like a retarded English fisherman and looks like... I don't know, some sort f*cked up love child by the three-headed knight in The Quest for the Holy Grail and Kevin Durand.  In other words, the SFX look... weird.  And not in a good way.

1:21-1:40 - So Lord of the Rings:  The Two Towers meets Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?  Awesome.  A recipe for success if I've ever heard one.

1:41-2:09 - Yeah, I got nothing left.  This just looks like a bad movie.

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