Saturday, February 2, 2013

Opening this Weekend (2/1 - 2/3)

"'Ey oh, Adrian, looka me, I'm a dentis'"
Opening - Bullet to the Head, Stand Up Guys, Warm Bodies

Bullet to the Head
Do work, Sly.  Do work.
Summary – “After watching their respective partners die, a cop and a hitman form an alliance in order to bring down their common enemy.”

Metacritic Score – 49

Thoughts – Serious question.  At what point does nostalgia go from being genuine nostalgia to tone-deaf obnoxiousness?  I mean, hey, I love Predator and Cobra as much as the next guy, but the reason myself and other brotastic dudes enjoy those movies is for completely non-quantifiable reasons.  Trying to replicate that sort of enjoyment through the application of the most shallow of common factors (same but older actors, absurd plot, explosions, sh*tty one-liners…) seems a bit counter-intuitive, if not offensive, to the exact people you’re targeting.  It’s as if a studio exec was like “Okay, so this target demo is trending towards favorable in regards to 80’s action movies!  Let’s make a million of them!  What?  No, of course I don’t give a sh*t about why that trending is occurring, I just know that it is!  Hooray!  Esteban, break out the coke!  Vamonos!”

Stand Up Guys
Greatest picture of all time?  Greatest picture of all time.
Summary - "A pair of aging con men try to get the old gang back together for one last hurrah before one of the guys takes his last assignment -- to kill his comrade."

Metacritic Score - 41

Thoughts - Great cast, fun concept... but I just don't know, man.  I never got good vibes from this one, and the Metacritic score seems to justify that.  Which is a bummer.  Watching the one-time greats embrace their age and have a sense of humor about it is always a good time.  But this looks a little too on the nose for me.  I've already heard there are numerous Viagra jokes.  I mean, really?  Let me guess, they have trouble with all sorts of new-fangled technology as well?!?  God damn it. 

Warm Bodies
So wait, at the end of the day this movie is about necrophilia, right?  Ok, cool.
Summary – “A zombie becomes involved with the girlfriend of one of his victims.”

Metacritic Score – 60

Thoughts – Zombieland meets Twilight?  Sort of?  I don’t know.  I didn’t like Zombieland because I’m an old curmudgeon that likes to yell racial epithets at Asian children, so the whole tongue in cheek thing didn't really work for me.  Plus I think I would rather devour a bowl full of earthworms and gout before watching Twilight.  So yeah, I guess another weekend of watering plants and liquefying dead hookers for Old Bill.  (*sighs, stares longingly out window*)

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