|"No Paul, I'm being serious. You're a sh*t actor. And that's coming from ME."|
LET'S DO THIS!!!
0:00-0:18 - GARR!!! THEY'RE USING MUSIC FROM THE DRIVE SOUNDTRACK!!! Not cool bros. Never steal from others bros. Especially Baby Goose. Poor form.
0:18-0:23 - The Rock could wear that goddamn pink bunny suit from A Christmas Story and still look like the baddest dude on the planet.
0:23-0:33 - Hey, that crazy cable trip-sh*t was good enough for Christopher Nolan, so it's clearly good enough for... *scans IMDB for two minutes and thirty-seven seconds* Justin Lin.
0:33-0:49 - God damnit, I hate Michelle Rodriguez. "HAVE I DONE A GOOD ENOUGH JOB CONVEYING TO YOU THE AUDIENCE THAT I'M SPICY AND LATINA AND I DON'T TAKE NO SHEEEEIIIT FROM NOBODY!!!" Yes, yes you did. Now please shut up. I'm busy trying not to have a brain aneurism.
0:49-0:55 - Really, Dwayne? Really? You're relying on Paul Walker, Tyrese and Ludacris?!? God, they're like a good-looking version of The Three Stooges. Well, minus Ludaris. He kind of looks like he should be working at Popeye's (DAS RAAACIST!!!). No. No, it's not. See? Okay, you're right, maybe it was a little racist. Hey, come on, cut me some slack, I'm a child of divorce.
0:56 - LEAR JET!!!
0:58 - EUROPEAN LANDMARK!!!
0:59 - BROODING WHITE GUY!!!
1:00 - BADASS HOT CHICKS!!!
1:01-1:03 - SECONDARY BLACK CHARACTERS THAT SPEW EXPOSITORY DIALOGUE AND SHITTY ONE-LINERS!!!
Phew, give me a sec. I mean this movie has more action movie cliches and than an Arnold/Sly wet dream.
1:04-1:10 - Wait, where's that retarded Texan dude from Tokyo Drift?? Oh come on, he was just coming into his own! Haven't you guys seen Friday Night Lights?? That's a GOOD movie.
1:10-1:12 - Let me guess. That's the bad guy. Let me keep guessing. He's former special ops. I'm not done. He's also super smart. And he's super ruthless. He probably has no motive, lacks any character development, and is pretty much there to serve as the excuse for our band of merry men to drive sweet cars, bang hot babes and just be generally awesome according to our idiotic and shallow cultural standards as defined by Hollywood and reinforced by the sh*theads that go out and see this crap. Going out on a limb with this one, I know...
1:13 - NAILED IT!!!
1:14-1:26 - Hmm, okay this really is starting to look like The Dark Knight. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT STEALING, JUSTIN LIN?!?
1:27-1:40 - I don't think Vin Diesel has any clue about how the concept of jurisdiction actually works...
1:41-1:47 - Well that was easily the best part of the trailer. Reminds me of my Mom's 50th birthday. Good times, good times...
1:48-2:12 - Ugh, don't you just hate it when someone asks you a rhetorical question and then proceeds to shoot you in the shoulder? Lame, Michelle Rodriguez. Very lame. You're spicier than that.
2:13-2:21 - "You don't turn your back on family. Even when they do." Sounds like a losing battle, Bro Montana. And who's family? Weren't you just banging MichRod? Or did you guys get married? Alright, well do you at least have a marriage certificate? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no f*cking idea what is going on in this movie.
2:22-2:33 - GIRLS. CANNOT. FIGHT. LIKE. THAT. Unless of course their name is Gina Carano. In which case I would like to volunteer for the beating.
2:33-2:40 - Thanks for showing up, Ludacris.
*glances at watch* Good God, is this thing over yet??
2:41-2:46 - "We talkin' vehicular warfare." Jesus f*ucking Christ. In the immortal words of Louis CK, go suck a bag of dicks.
2:47 - BANE PUNCH!!! BANE PUNCH!!! FUCK YOU, JUSTIN LIN! You put Max Wade to shame, sir. To shame, I say!
2:48-3:12 - Oh f*ck you. F*ck you so hard. God, this sh*t makes me want to buttchug a barrel of bleach. Please be over. Please...
3:13-3:21 - *puts pistol to head, cocks gun...*